By Debbie Livermore
I’m guessing it’s my age and the photo I use on my listings but I have started to see many clients in my room struggling with the feelings of loss that an empty nest can bring. I think we look for a therapist who we feel will understand our situation and ‘‘get us’. All therapists have empathy for their clients and can sit with them in their distress. I also see a fair number of young adults who are on the other side of this equation, trying to find their way in the world but today I wanted to focus on the grief of the empty nest and how that can be exacerbated by the menopause.
No More Noodles
I clearly remember the upset I felt as my child went off to University. It really sideswiped me, I thought I was happy to see them go, proud they’d got this far and although I knew there would be some adjustment I was looking forward to having just my husband and I in the house. So imagine my surprise when I found myself in tears in the noodle aisle of Morrison’s two weeks later. Reduced to shopping for two and not buying those awful packet noodles felt sad, I was bereft that I was no longer so involved in the day-to-day, nitty gritty of her life. I mean not even knowing if she’d eaten dinner!
Rationally, this transition had been happening slowly for the last few years, and I got plenty of whatsapp dinner pics by way of reassurance. But I definitely wasn’t feeling rational as I wobbled my way around that first reduced food shop.
Cutting the Apron Strings
The University drop off is a brutal manifestation of cutting the apron strings. Add in the psychological effects of the menopause which for many of us come at the same time as our children go off to college or start work, I found it a struggle to understand who I was and where this next stage was taking me.
Society underestimates the effect these two big changes can have on women. Sometimes the empty nest syndrome can be downplayed or spoken about in a matter-of-fact way. My clients tell me they feel like they’ve lost perspective, are being over emotional or ‘making a fuss. Even their sense of humour can suffer which might have been a coping mechanism for difficult times in the past.
The Losses Menopause Brings
Let’s look at this time in a woman’s life realistically.
It feels like a string of losses, we aren’t only talking about death when we discuss grief, often menopause can bring other losses.
If you are usually great at problem solving, organising and keeping the family show on the road, to suddenly lose these powers feels like a complete loss of personality. It can feel frightening and overwhelming. Sleep, appetite and even the immune system can take a hit, so it feels as if you’ve lost your good health too. Decision making becomes difficult and it becomes hard to prioritise as everything feels urgent and overwhelming. Some women feel a loss of confidence or suffer from low mood and brain fog.
Therapy can Help
Talking to a counsellor and unravelling what’s going on can really help. My clients find new perspectives, allow themselves to feel sad without having to defend their emotions to partners, friends or family. Sometimes, as we discuss the losses we also find there are some gains from the menopause, many women find they care slightly less about what people think and this can be enormously liberating. Dreams that felt impossible when bogged down by family cares feel attainable and new plans can be made.
Life can throw a lot at us in one hit. And grief can take us by surprise, but with support and a kind, listening ear clients can readjust to the new normal and even embrace the next stage in their lives. It’s always a joy to sit with women as they work out what comes next and learn to be who they want to be now!
We all need an outlet and I’ve seen that talking therapy can genuinely help during this difficult time in our lives.
I work in a humanistic way with my clients, the sessions are at the clients pace and we unravel things as we go along. Talking about the feelings, allowing the emotions and understanding what we need in our lives to manage change and live with the grief life sends our way. My practice is in Leigh-on-Sea in Essex though I can also work online too.
By the way, for me personally, there was no more crying in the noodle aisle! I’m proud of how we managed that big change in our family, my child is now an adult, with a job, a flatmate and her own shopping to do. I can only hope the cupboards aren’t still full of noodles.
If you’d like to talk to me about this stage or other life events fill out the contact form and I’ll be in touch.